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The Ultimate Premier League TV Guide

I was reading my timeline on Twitter when Arsenal were playing the other night – you know how they are, tweet after boring tweet bigging themselves up to Barca proportions against ten men – and I couldn’t help thinking how like a certain reality TV show their supporters were.

Anyway, this sparked a bit of life into the old grey matter because a few weeks back, one of the more talented and tolerable United supporters on my timeline tweeted a #FootballMeatMarket – a hilarious series of tweets comparing Premier League clubs to certain females. Very clever stuff, with a really humourous ring of truth to it.

So, with that in mind, I had a think about the whole clubs resembling TV thing and here’s how I see the Premier League table as it stands:

 

 

MANCHESTER UNITED – At the top of the TV pile we have the old black and white films, Westerns maybe because I could never stand watching them either: Same old repetitive plots and you can always guess how it’ll end.

MANCHESTER CITY – This lot have to be Dallas. No, not the ‘Debbie Does’ style, but you remember the one where he gets out of the shower, the whole thing has been an elaborate dream and life goes on as usual? That style,  with the threat of being murdered still always a possibility.

ARSENAL – A reality show, probably TOWIE: Plenty of slap on to make it look pretty enough on the surface but all very dull underneath. No real personality and chat constant shit.

SPURS – Well now, here’s your Bridget Jones. Plenty to laugh at, thinks she’ll get the fairytale ending but realistically just an average bird, nothing glamourous going on underneath the clothes and she ends up with the ugliest leading man.

NEWCASTLE – Obvious one for the Geordies really, Take Me Out.  Everyone in it wants to be attractive but clearly struggles when it comes to getting any genuine attention for long. Bit desperate under all the pretence.

CHELSEA – What else for us except MOTD? Some weeks you can’t wait to watch, and then others, barely risking one eye from behind a pillow – if you can brave it at all but an ever-present in our lives and we love it. Couldn’t live without it.

EVERTON – Corrie. Been around for years like a pair of old slippers really, has its followers who think it’s great although plenty don’t pay it any attention at all. Comfortable in its longevity. Never does as well as your Eastenders type.

LIVERPOOL – This lot should be a tragi-comedy really shouldn’t they? Boys From The Blackstuff. A tragic look at life, reeking of desperation but still bloody funny – and all centres around an angry, bitter man.

FULHAM – The Undateables. Self explanatory.

NORWICH – What else for the tractor drivers of the Premier League but Countryfile. The sort of programme I’ve never met anyone remtely interested in and I’m not convinced anyone would admit to it if they were.

SUNDERLAND – New manager syndrome had me thinking Eldorado for the Black Cats. Had its ‘new kid on the block’ spell and looked like something interesting might happen but realistically, was never going to compete with your Eastender’s and Corrie’s. Choked before anything of note.

STOKE – Wouldn’t mind being Crimewatch but not ambitious enough to be more than Watchdog. Load of old moaners but content to cling on to average viewing figures and average viewers.

WEST BROM. News at ten. Not much in the way of entertainment. Bog standard doom and gloom really.

SWANSEA. Started off really well, held its own for a while, something new to watch that held people’s interest. Bit disappointing now but I’ll keep watching every week in case it picks up again – yes, they’re your Desperate housewives.

ASTON VILLA. Hill Street Blues. Probably pretty popular once, decent audience with turn in the spotlight but went right downhill and rarely gets a watch these days.

QPR – Eggheads. Nothing to do with being clever of course, just that there’s no interest in watching them whatsoever and even catching sight of one of them inadvertently makes you want to swing punches in their general direction.

WIGAN – has to be the spoiler story. Not that much substance to it but worth a try and capable of upsetting someone.

BOLTON – Always one to avoid – the adverts, Rarely interesting and more of an irritation. Bit of a time filler until something more watchable comes along.

BLACKBURN – Derek. Bland, not much point to it. Couldn’t care less if I never saw it again. Wouldn’t be missed.

WOLVES – Finally, the bottom of the heap finds our Steptoe and Son. A distant memory from the past. Seen the repeats too often to be bothered anymore.

 

Original idea shamelessly plagiarised from @badgerwolf

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